I was asked to write a festive article highlighting the top 5 love songs for Valentine’s Day. But there was a problem; I’m a bitter, single, man and izza proud Bajan. And as we all know, one of the four pillars of Bajan culture is horning. So as Bajans, we better be prepared for one of two things: Horn or get horn. Barbados has approximately 200,000 people around dating age. But we have exactly 78.3 good men and 100,000 good women. 100,000 of which will horn their man at some point in their life.
Needless to say, songs about love are just what we whisper to ourselves while we’re stuck under a bed waiting for this man to stop shout at sweet girl. Or hum to yourself while you eat your wing dings in your best friend’s man car. After all, you’re just going to “breeze out dey so by Maxwell for a lil bit”. You know, nothing serious. Just adultery and fornication.
So without further ado, these are 5 very important songs in the school of Horndom. And I’ll try to go through them quickly ’cause I know @whitecollarcrime just posted something raunchy on Instagram and we gotta look in his comments for girls to DM.
#5 Dolly Parton – Jolene
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I’m begging of you please don’t take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Please don’t take him just because you can
I honestly only heard this song for the first time like 8 seconds ago. But this is the 1975 version of when a girl does call the side chick to “reason” with her. Dolly Parton walk up to Jolene, as a woman, to have a familiar conversation we all know:
“Man listen right, Jolene. I know Leroy ain’t no good. But he’s all I got. I come to you as a woman. Just leave we alone. We got two children Jolene. I ain’t really got no job that sorta way, but I do try. Just leave he out. Please, I beg yuh.”
But of course, all Jolene gonna tell Dolly is “But wa da gaw do wit me? Daz you man try and control he”. *tongue snaps* *weave pats* *zr horn fires in the distance*
#4 Billy Paul – Me & Mrs. Jones
Me and Mrs. Jones we’ve got a thing going on
We both know that it’s wrong
But it’s much too strong to let it go now
This song kinda hits me on a personal level because I spent most of my life not really listening to the lyrics thinking this is a song from Mr. Jones to his lovely wife Mrs. Jones. Like a song to sing on the wedding day, you real fussy your woman got your last name. All lovey-dovey wonders.
We meet every day at the same café
Six-thirty and no one knows she’ll be there
Holding hands and making all kinds of plans
While the jukebox plays our favorite song
Turns out! Before the dawn of social media! That you could pull up at the same spot! At the same time! Everyday! Hold hands and giggle! And no one would send a picture to Mr Jones on WhatsApp?
This song is a timeless classic about the forbidden lust we’re often tempted with. The sweet savoury taste of tide pods. And the love of an outside man/woman. I will not go further, for I am saving all of my bitterness for number 1.
#3 It Wasn’t Me – Shaggy ft Rik Rok
But she caught me on the counter (wasn’t me)
Saw me bangin’ on the sofa (wasn’t me)
I even had her in the shower (wasn’t me)
She even caught me on camera (wasn’t me)
When you read the title of this article you KNEW this was on the list. This is without a doubt the classic tale of a “liard” Bajan man. A Bajan just had to write this. I mean, come on bruh! She has photos of you and the other girl. “Man da dint me.” But this is your house; who else it could it have been? “Wasn’t me.” Look at this photo this is literally you banging a girl on your kitchen counter with a bottle of Mount Gay in her hand! “Man I don’t do nain gay so daz how I know it dint me I don work wit da gaw be tripping.”
As if this song wasn’t Bajan enough right, my man call thru the REAL HORNA MAN! Shaggy! Shaggy got his PhD in horning from Cave Hill. Though to be honest once you go Cave Hill I feel like you leave with an honorary doctorate in Hornology. But that’s an aside.
Shaggy gives this man some of the cleanest advice ever!
To be a true player you’ve to know how to play
If she say, “a night”, convince her, say, “a day”
Shaggy wants you to “Bugs Bunny” this poor girl so she thinks it wasn’t you. Shaggy said to lie and say someone else in the building has your skin complexion.
“Seein’ is believin’, so you better change your specs”.
Convince the girl she needs glasses! This is some next level finessing.
This song just provides a different angle in the horning sphere. The one where you got caught, but you love the girl and you would do anything not to lose her.
#2 Contagious – The Isley Brothers ft. R. Kelly
Ron: What the hell is going on between the sheets in my home?
Chante: Baby wait let me explain before you start to point your cane
Ron: Girl, I’m about to have a fit
R. Kelly: “Oh it’s about to be some sh**!”
Unlike Rik Rok in “It Wasn’t Me”, the man caught you in the act! You ain’t even pretend R. Kelly is a sex doll. The man waist deep in your yoni [can I say this on this site?] [Editor’s note: Yes you can!] and you gonna come with the classic “wait lemme explain?”
Man what happened was, well we were chilling, and um I just so sorry but, but, but…
IF YOU WASN’T OUT FOR SO LONG I WOULDN’T HAVE TO DO THIS!
That didn’t happen in the song but I’ve heard so many scenarios of women just spinning things I wouldn’t be shocked if that’s what followed. This poor man trying to make money but no, you want a young boy.
This is another example of being caught in the act. Except here the cuck actually approaches horner girl. Even though this song came out in 2001, according to the music video all his boys got there in like ten minutes or so. Which I just thought I should mention how real that his friends are. We need more friends like that in 2018.
#1 Mr Brightside – The Killers
Lyrics – You were born with them.
Now that we’ve all listened to the song 4 times let us discuss.
Now that we’ve listened to the song a 5th time: THIS SONG SO HARD!
A lot of my friends didn’t realize this song was about horning so let me legit break it down. [With the help of genius.com]
I’m coming out of my cage and I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down because I want it all
What homeboy saying is, he was single and cool but he wanted something more, he wanted it all.
It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
This is what throws people off, people think he just kisses this girl and was being jealous of her and some other guy. But nah. Because…
Now I’m falling asleep and she’s calling a cab
While he’s having a smoke and she’s taking a drag
This falling asleep isn’t “ye I kiss a girl and I gin sleep.” Nah. He just saw his girl kissing a guy and told himself well I got to be dreaming. But it isn’t a dream, cause she’s calling a taxi to go home, and he smoking, and she begs for a puff.
Now they’re going to bed and my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head, but she’s touching his
After they get in the cab he stops stalking them and the remainder of the verse plays out in his head. In which she gets in Jim Screechie’s bed and she touches his…whatever rhymes with sick…probably “lingam.”
This song is literally the tale of a Bajan man thinking about the horn he holding. Probably sitting on a toilet with his hand on his chin for 30 minutes. Not even crying or anything just ain’t really sure what going on. He messages the group chat, but no one knows what to say. So everyone just types “chh”, “sorry b”, “cha den”.
Originally I was going to use “F**k It (I Don’t Want You Back)” by Eamon for number 1, but it doesn’t hold a candle in comparison to Mr. Brightside so it would hold an honourable mention.